When Chuck first received his kidney transplant in August 2018 one of the things we realized as a family is that we began to make more plans for the future and to talk about them more openly.
One of my emotional “grief-breakthroughs” while working outside on the farm this spring was the realization that the future dreams Chuck and I had planned didn’t have to die with him. Part of why his absence is so profound is because we had a true partnership. Many people who only know me through my national education advocacy work are discovering that through my writing. Some may have gotten brief glimpses through my social media posts in the past. The farm & Chuck & my role as an involved mom were my fuel - the source of strength for my national and public-facing work. And as I wrote recently my North Star - or maybe my compass which kept me on course to follow my North Star.
So while Chuck and I may have appeared at times to be a modern version of “The Odd Couple” we had composed a life that fit our values, goals, skills & passions. What occurred to me may be obvious to others: I have not changed my values, goals, or passions - but I am deficient in some of Chuck’s skills. I still haven’t figured out how to create more hours in a day, days in a week, or weeks in a month either. So to continue to pursue the goals we shared & the future life we had dreamed of I will need to chart a different path (aha - compass!).
Three aspects of this have given me hope - the one place I have found it besides in my love for the girls & in my Catholic faith. One: the discovery itself that the goals & general outlines of the future we had sketched out were still possible. Two: That I have a choice - both in how and whether I want to stay on this course. Chuck & I had many conversations where he gave me explicit permission on many fronts that make this clear. And, three: My greatest skill is operational, logistical problem-solving. So, except for some expected bad minutes, hours, and days of doubt I know figuring this out, while hard, is in my wheelhouse. The grace I received from this epiphany was hope and determination which provide me with what I see as my bridge toward a less unknown future.
Pivoting or finding new ways to achieve our goals is something our family has experienced before. Some of our previous life challenges also seemed daunting at the time. Twins and a toddler while living three hours from the State House and serving as Governor? We can figure that out! Join a VC firm and keep your kids in the Berkshires? No problem! Move three girls to new schools in Vermont where you don’t know a soul? Check and check. And move everyone back and pivot a few more times to deal with a kidney transplant, an international pandemic, and a series of life-threatening health issues for your spouse? Pivot, plant, pivot, and pirouette.
Throughout my career, I’ve had the blessing to work at both a national level to make systemic change and at a grassroots level to impact the people and community nearest to me. I love doing both and know how lucky I am that I’ve been able to do that. I have also been a very public working mother. Early in this journey I embraced the concept of “work-family integration” versus “balance.” This is for sure a journey and it looks different today with an empty-nest and BlackSwan-Hood.
Since leaving political office and with amazing support, a lot of travel, and many really great champions, I am fortunate to have built a national reputation in the education innovation space. I’ve worked in almost every role in the private sector at some point: Board Member, Board Chair, Advisor, Consultant, CEO, etc … and while I don’t think we ever had years where we never worried about money, I definitely made a lot more money than would ever be possible in public service. I was also able to do so while meeting the goals I had articulated when I left public service: make a difference, work with people I liked and admired and make enough money to support my family. At times one of those things would go sideways in a role I had taken on and Chuck would always provide solid counsel and encouragement to move on. He always believed that I would find something that fit all three goals - even if the money piece seemed tenuous in the moment.
After Chuck’s transplant and an early infection scare, I made the choice to simplify my work life. For the past three years, I’ve more or less integrated my national advocacy work and my local impact work through my role at LearnLaunch. While I continued to serve on Boards and attend conferences to maintain my profile, my work has been much more centered regionally than it had ever been since leaving office.
Embracing a local non-profit role as my “anchor” employment made a ton of sense. And as I wrote during the pandemic, the shift that our team made at LearnLaunch to provide direct service to Massachusetts school and district leaders during the pandemic is some of the best work of my career. During this period Chuck and I also continued to think about what we wanted the farm to be long-term. As many people know, we got some baby heifers (cows) and thought about small-batch ice cream production down the road.
Chuck was a dairy farmer when we first met and I was a first-term state Senator advocating to protect our region and state’s dairy farms. My 1990 Senate campaign platform was: excellence in public schools, support for small businesses, and appreciation and protection of our beautiful natural resources. Protection of family dairy farms was a no-brainer and landed me a husband. So with four cows living here and Chuck outside plotting how to convert the barn efficiently back to a milk barn (we still call one of the rooms his ‘milk room’), it felt like we had come full circle. And, finding one part of charting a new path is remembering the jobs and activities that previously brought joy. Being a State Senator was a role I loved. To be clear: I am as unlikely to be a boomerang State Senator as I am to become a nun. But teasing out what I loved about that role seems important to my current self-discovery journey.
Obviously, our family story took an unexpected and unwelcome turn in the fall of 2020 and while I am very well-versed in all the grief admonitions not to make ‘big’ decisions for a year, as I have previously stated - figuring out what to do with a 25-acre farm isn’t something you can file away for later. Of course, Chuck and I began talking about this once he was sick and more frequently when it was clear he wouldn’t get better. I had his permission to sell the farm even though he knew I wanted to keep it and that the girls hoped that was a possibility, too. “Keeping” property like this is not simply a financial consideration - although that is part of it. There is also the ongoing upkeep. Obviously, you can ‘pay’ for most of that but even if you had limitless dollars, the need to manage the operations is not insignificant. Shockingly (not - this is me being snarky) while all three girls love the farm, at ages 23 & 21, none of them currently possesses the ambition to live in Williamstown as a full-time farmer.
A lot of my early thinking was one foot in front of the other. Just keep things going. The ‘epiphany’ - that I could actually still work toward the goals and dreams we had for the future - actually wasn’t a lightning bolt — the pieces have come to me over time. And many are still a work in progress. A few weeks ago as I was complaining about a sore back my mom remarked, “You don’t have to be a farmer, you know.” Which was an excellent point. But, my answer was also important. I actually like the farm work. I am not doing this because I have to. I am doing this because I want to. And while I am attempting to do it in a way that is financially viable it will have to look different - because before I could work to support Chuck’s work here on the farm (the way most New England farms stay in the black today) I now have to figure out how to do both. Back to that number of hours in a day thing!
After a lot of thinking, we recently announced some of our first baby steps toward what our financially sustainable farming operation will look like. I am super excited that while this concept will be driven by me it is fully supported by the girls. I have been working on what I previewed with the logo at the top: a new non-profit farm concept that draws on my experience and passion and much of what Chuck and I cared a lot about. We are forming a non-profit Farm Education & Rescue Center (www.chfarm.org - sign up for our newsletter!) that will operate here on the property. Lauren designed the logo & website and I’ve been working for weeks with a friend of Chuck’s son, Brian. Renee, the owner of LoveUsAndLeaveUs, has been my partner seeking to understand the needs and requirements for an animal rescue operation in the Berkshires. We are both excited by what we’ve uncovered, and the models we’ve seen in other states. I have been particularly influenced by the five years we lived as a family in Vermont. There are so many great models to pull from where farms have found a sustainable financial model that create value for the community. My greatest gift as a leader has always been observing other models and adapting them to my context and I am doing that with our work (also, FYI in my head I have nicknamed this endeavor “charm” - which so perfectly describes Chuck and the magic that many people experienced through him - especially our daughters - on this property).
Through this blog and my other networks I’ve been encouraged to think about how this endeavor aligns with my personal journey - there are so many people going through transition and disruption as we emerge from the pandemic who are experiencing grief. Time on the farm will help me to figure out if there is something to weave in there as well. It may also be surprising to many that I see a strong connection to my reinvigorated national advocacy work on behalf of education innovation and technology. The reality is without my ability to work hybrid/remote signifcant periods of time this dream would be unrealistic. And the influx, during the summer and fall and hopefully more and more as permanent residents, of well-paid digital nomads, is key to the business model of selling direct to consumer that small farms like ours rely on. The sad reality is that service workers often can’t afford the prices of the food and ‘luxury’ products (like the potpourri I am piloting as our first ‘consumer’ product) that farmers must charge to sustain their operations. Plus, locals might not pay $25 for a bouquet of flowers that includes goldenrod! (Seriously I saw this yesterday at the farmers market and I am still in shock that people will pay for goldenrod - I also really wanted to tell Chuck.) So, a technology driven economy is imperative to the success of our small farms. Additionally, technology has made farming sometimes easier but often more efficient and effective - more on that eventually on the c_h_farm blog. And my goal - always - in promoting excellence in education has been, “what do I want for my own kids” as a pretty good baseline standard. Our daughters flourished with a great combination of outdoor, hands-on activity and high-quality digital & print instructional materials (and great teachers!).
On the reimagining of the Cobble Hill Farm front here at home, I am gratified that we’ve received excitement from local officials and stakeholders. I am particularly thrilled that former political staff members still living in the area have agreed to serve on the founding Board of the operation. With their support, Renee’s enthusiasm and energy and recruitment of a required veterinarian, we have officially formed our Corporation with the State and have filed for non-profit status with the IRS. Exciting stuff.
Of course, this is going to be time-consuming. Chuck must have talked to the girls about their job being to make sure that I was rational about the commitments I make with my time. Well done. Launching this non-profit will require some additional pivoting and reworking in the other areas of my life. I am fortunate to have opportunities to make those changes and more on that to come, too. Safe to say I will continue my Board & national advocacy work in education innovation (and likely take on some new and exciting roles). My efforts to make our world a better place at the ground level will be focused here - right at home. My work-family integration efforts continue!
To be honest, I still have equal parts of excitement and fear. Not having Chuck physically present to talk me through some of my decisions and to take on much of the work scares me sometimes. But when I slow down (which farm work forces you to do) I know clearly how he would approach each problem. And, I have Sara Bareilles, Brave, on Spotify. And this view.
Wow ! What a pirouette ! Super-excited for you and your family, Jane. ❤️
Love this and I can’t wait to see the farm some day in its new role - which seems a perfect blend of you and Chuck! Xo