Holidays take on new contours after the loss of a loved one. This will be our third Christmas without Chuck’s physical presence. The best advice came from a close friend on that first Christmas Eve. She had suffered a grievous loss and through her pain could provide spot on advice. It helped that she was also a longtime trusted advisor. We were still in shock, although that isn’t what it felt like at the time. She shared that it was both possible and acceptable to hold happiness and sadness in your heart simultaneously. Only a few short hours later, one of the girls looked at me and asked if it was still okay that she was excited for Christmas.
Chuck was a typical dash through the aisles on Christmas Eve shopper. As the years and decades went on he improved his game in some areas. A year after my dad died followed by two more terrible losses he scoured the region for good outdoor, religious statuary. I loved the painted saints in both grandparents yards - Mary at my Nana’s in her own homemade tabernacle and Saint Francis amidst my Noni’s luscious gardens. Chuck went for a more understated piece with the guardian angel that blesses our garden near the back door. I love it and that it sits among one of the many landscaped areas with gorgeous stonewalls he meticulously built. It has been a constant source of strength and a place of peace. Chuck also (with some helpful elves) began giving me collectible, decorative elephants. The gorgeous set that were already under the tree that first Christmas are particularly meaningful. However, I don’t think any of the girls or I have ever cherished an outfit he selected!
Last year, we “did” Christmas completely traditionally. Huge tree, cooking and baking in advance with my mom. Lots of family visiting. I love shopping and decorating and church. But specific memories of Christmas 2022 are hard for me to pull up. In fact, when searching for stockings this year I completely forgot the outrageously large, monogrammed new ones I bought last year. This “forgetting under stress” is not entirely new. I have a lot of times from my tenure as Governor that I simply can’t remember. Last Christmas falls in that same category. I know it happened. I have seen pictures. But zero direct recall. I have found this phenomenon part fascinating and part horrifying. Apparently Bruce Springsteen played at the opening of the Zakim Bridge. I know I was the Governor during the time of that ceremony - was I there? Couldn’t tell you (and haven’t seen a picture).
This year after some discussion we changed up both Thanksgiving and Christmas. We spent Thanksgiving in Plymouth, ran a 5k and made chicken not turkey. And this Christmas we are aboard our first ever Cruise. I like tradition. As each holiday approached I had a lot of anxiety about the choices we made. But Thanksgiving ended up being great. That gave me some reassurance heading into this trip. And while I won’t be cruising or away from the farm and family regularly over the holidays, the cruise and travel were a good choice, too.
Regardless of loss, the opportunity to gather young adult children at the holidays becomes harder. Of course I know this because our tight knit Swift family clan of 6 went through this, too. Serious relationships, marriages & (grand)children start to pull families into new units and traditions. While serving in politics was a gift unto itself, I have also always treasured the opportunity it provided to raise my girls near my parents and our many aunts, uncles and cousins. Chuck placed enormous value on this as well with his family spread further and not having those same bonds. So one of the things I have treasured on this trip was all the family gathering time. I know it will be harder and harder to come by in the years ahead. And one of the lessons from grief that I am determined to hold tightly is to stay present in these cherished times. Cruising with limited WiFi and LTE makes that easier even if my Wordle streak gets disrupted!
I was surprised it took until day 5 to meet another widow. She was traveling solo and picked up on our crews New England roots as we waited for transportation to our Cozumel resort day. Shaws shopping bag for sandy shoes & wet clothes. LL Bean monogrammed beach bags for the girls (Lauren’s gift to her sisters).
And a Patriots v Eagles t-shirt. Once she pointed out how many New England vibes we were throwing we struck up a conversation and sure enough her husband died four years ago. While I have written this blog and did a few of the church grief sessions, I haven’t spent a lot of time chatting with other widows. I know it helps a lot of people and this woman participates in a grief/widow/ers group at her church. And while I enjoyed chatting with her a bit during the day our encounter reinforced for me that those groups and activities aren’t my jam. I do not want to spend all of my time consumed by picking away at my grief. Some people might think that means I am in denial but I don’t think so. As I’ve written here, I’ve become pretty deeply acquainted with the various stages, emotions and complexities of grief. I simply find that dealing with my grief is a deeply personal exercise. Ironic given this blog. But writing is a solo endeavor even if I am sharing my deepest thoughts.
Sometimes I wonder if my desire not to participate in counseling (besides that one session), and to limit my conversations on grief is an outgrowth of the coping mechanisms I developed in politics. There was an art - that I wasn’t always good at, but got better at as time went on - to seem to be sharing personal anecdotes while walling off the most deeply personal experiences and emotions. And a part of me has wondered if our family decision to change things up over the holidays isn’t part of the same thing. Wanting to be somewhere and do things where grief is not the dominant theme. I feel a little guilty about that. It’s ironic that last year I worried that I would be judged for grieving too long and I am starting this year worrying that I will be judged for seeming to not be grieving (or acknowledging our grief) enough.
At the end of the day I land at the place Chuck and I always landed when making important family decisions that might be questioned by others. Do what I think is best. Know I will make mistakes and have the courage to own them and course-correct. And don’t worry so much about what people who don’t know you think about your choices (easier when that debate is mostly in my head and not the front page of the news).
This holiday season has brought many blessings in tandem with our faithful companion, grief. Spending some long, idle days in the sun is great balm for my soul. Shared meals and experiences with all three girls have made it all worthwhile. And while I hope I’ll be able to recall these memories next year, I also got some great pictures.
Bless you. Happy New Year
Your struggles sound oh so familiar. I too won’t join grief groups, I tried. Focusing on yesterday won’t help me get through today. Besides the “elephant” in the room seems to follow us around anyhow. And more than most for you, thanks to Chuck. I enter my 3rd year come February but like the many days we who grieve have already already gone through, God goes with us. Jesus be ever near you, Linda 🌹