Chuck’s illness and death have been profound, painful, and life-changing experiences. Yet, neither Chuck nor I were passive, weak, and negative people. Both together during his illness and now as I carry on I have shared a determination that this experience will not be completely negative. Today’s “Healing After Loss” reading and final admonition capture this well, “I will use all the wisdom and power I possess to come through this well.” And shortly after Chuck died and Christmas arrived, a very close friend told me “You can be happy and sad at the same time.” And I wrote earlier of this concept of “happdy” - a new word I coined. Such a weird but real concept.
Throughout this journey, I have clung to the well-researched psychology behind the practice of gratitude. Many friends and family have seen the Gratitude Wall that hung in our entryway for over a year till cherished pictures were at risk of permanent damage. Don’t just take my word for the power of gratitude, Harvard
has published this truth! Here is a short excerpt if you don’t want to read the whole article: “In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.” All three girls might say I held onto this talisman beyond reason.
My path to practicing gratitude was often through giving to others. The first winter that Chuck was sick, we all ‘agreed’ to forgo some Christmas gifts and we each chose a charity to make a donation toward. There are other examples big and small. But after Chuck’s death, I was not prepared for the pure exhaustion of grief. My focus has been and continues to be #1 - focus on shepherding the girls through this life-defining period and that is #s 2 - 99. #100 is working both to keep paying bills and for the fulfillment and distraction. That did not leave much time for the practice of gratitude. Or giving to others. But, I know getting out of my own head helps me to heal.
This is the answer to the riddle that I know my brother, John, and probably most of the rest of you, are asking regarding the chickens, mini-donkey & horse, etc …. At first, I was just following my gut. But what I have become aware of is something that I realized Chuck knew to his core. The beauty of animals and caring for them is that you can give & give and they don’t demand very much back. Despite my best efforts, there are a lot of days my grief brings me to my knees - I had 3 in a row last week when we hit the 6 month anniversary of Chuck’s death on what would have been his son’s birthday and in the midst of a crazy busy & stressful work week. The only energy I can muster on days like these - beyond the things I have to do - is to go spend time with the animals. Giving something to them - even if it is only an apple for the minis - helps me reset and they don’t demand much more from me.
Yet, as much as I don’t want to be the sad, pathetic widow I also recoil when I am seen as too happy. Being surrounded by family & friends, being social, and being successful and productive at work have always brought me joy. So at the end of a brutal three-day grief stretch, I actually had some joy-filled hours that followed (talk about a rollercoaster). But, when people experience me in those moments of joy - when I truly am happdy but the happiness is more present on my face - they seem compelled to call it out: “You look great.” Now, obviously, I’d rather look ‘great’ than like crap. But I know part of that is because I have lost some (needed) weight because I’ve finally had extended days where my appetite has abandoned me. And, I read into these moments, almost a sense of relief from folks of, “Thank God, Jane seems back to herself so we don’t need to worry about her anymore.” This is the weirdest drama I play out in my head. I am trying to perfect a persona that allows folks to not worry about me. I do not want pity. I do not want to be the sad bag. Yet, I similarly do not want to be seen as the Merry Widow who is ‘over it’ and has moved on. So, just as I coined the “Black Swan” and ‘happdy” new words I am trying to figure out a new way to describe this phase. And how I would like it to be seen & interpreted. Crazy Chicken Lady doesn’t quite capture it now that I have a mini horse and donkey. Suggestions welcome.
Thru many dangers, toils and snares we have already come, T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far and Grace will lead us home. This is what immediately popped into my head after reading your latest.
I am told the Harvard link might not be working (let's be honest: the fact that I even know how to attempt that should be applauded). Here it is: https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier