Finding Hope ...

Don't say 'After the Grief, please'

I have not written in a while as I have been struggling to articulate where I am and to do so in a way that is helpful to anyone beyond me. I have often written about my visceral adverse reactions to the well-intentioned grief advice offered directly or in writing. Even though most, if not all, advice has been well-meaning. When it isfas delivered at the wrong time, it stings. I think this is what also makes it so hard to offer insight to those wondering what to say or do for a friend or family member who has suffered a terrible loss. Even when I am told someone is recommending my blog, I always ask that it be caveated or that those new to loss might want to read in chronological order - although I am so much more aware these days that the timing and sequencing of each journey is different.

I am for sure in a new phase. For those who follow me on other social media channels, you know I recently started a new leadership role that has me traveling, working with a team, and dedicated to a mission about which I am passionate. And yes, for those who read into my last posts, I have started dating - something that my girls, my friend & I all feel really good about keeping largely private and off social media. These things bring me moments and days of real happiness and joy. Sometimes sustained happiness. And while I thought I ‘wore’ the burden of grief and caregiving pretty well (I mean, black was always my go-to color!) If I had not noticed that this new phase has changed my appearance, my life in the public eye still brings me the opportunity that others tell me when I look ‘good.’ (I often wonder if this will be my fate forever. Twenty-plus years out of public office, I am resigned to the fact that it likely will be.)

Enjoying a Harvard Football Game

Being told that I look super happy or so much better - or even having folks speculate that because I am dating, I must be “recovered” from my grief is hard and painful. To be clear - I am in a much better place most days than I was a few months ago. I am at a point where I am beginning to be able to take and apply lessons from this journey to be used in my work and life. I tried to articulate that in this Berkshire Eagle article. I do now believe we can all find hope and that with faith, gratitude, a lot of help, and resilience, better days actually do come along. I did not always believe that on the darkest days, even when I pretended to for the sake of my daughters.

But I was also reminded this week that grief is a sneaky sonofabitch. And no matter how many days of happiness and joy I have had, or how incredible my daughters are and how lucky I may be to be dating a wonderful, handsome (added that in case he reads this), patient, and thoughtful person, grief can still smack you in the head when you aren’t expecting it. My struggle continues to be with unresolved anger that gets misdirected - externally and internally. Fortunately, I know it is grief-driven even when I am not skilled at controlling it. And even more fortunate, I am getting better at seeing the signs and using exercise or other tools to manage my outbursts. These short, intense bursts are particularly hard to handle, whether it is anger or some other form of grief. The world now sees me as ‘recovered’ and happy, moved on. While the feelings are probably no more or less intense than prior episodes, I feel them more intensely when sandwiched between relatively normal periods.

And yes, folks warned me about this too. And yes, the holidays are rapidly approaching - hard for everyone who has lost someone. They feel particularly poignant for us - as I suspect they do for others. Chuck’s ‘Be Happy’ speech to the girls when he finally had to concede his mortality during our final family Thanksgiving is probably a speech I will keep seared in my heart forever. And while that first Christmas is still a blur, another aspect of my current reckoning has been reliving his final hours in late December. I did not relive those hours for a long time or let pieces float into my mind in short spurts. More recently, longer ‘clips’ play on repeat. I have convinced myself that I am in some final stretch of intense or active grief - self-therapy and making things up about my journey have served me pretty well, even while annoying my daughters. :)

So for this new, hard-to-explain phase (that I am showing up for looking fabulous and often happy), I am trying to take all that I have learned along the way to survive and possibly thrive. Be patient with myself and others. Do good in the world. Get sleep. Take time to savor the joyful moments. And eat chocolate.