For the last three years, I’ve led a non-profit that has provided direct service to education leaders navigating schooling through and out of the disruptions of the pandemic. One of the great privileges in that work has been the team I’ve been honored to work with and the national experts who contribute to our work. I learn a lot from them. Early on we helped leaders sort through the morass with an online workshop called “Set Priorities for Learning.” The takeaway which has stayed with me was the suggestion to distill the many challenges and demands by remembering (or recommitting to, or making sure to define) the organiztion’s North Star.
Last week as I was swirling, feeling overwhelmed and struggling one of the least helpful thoughts I kept returning to was, “Why can’t I just pull myself together?” At the same time I was getting ready to speak at the Boston event for the WonderFund in Chuck’s honor and agonizing over a way to explain to so many colleagues who had not known him well his importance in my life. I would love to report that before speaking I came up with the epiphany that Chuck was my North Star. I did not. Those who were there tell me I did a ‘great’ job speaking. I did not cry and I did not babble (too much). So it was fine. Later, though, in a quiet moment, a trusted friend and colleague who was one of the few who did know Chuck well articulated his steady, calming, behind-the-scenes role for the girls and me. And then, while working through a thorny issue with my job I remembered the workshop with the North Star reference and it hit me. I’ve lost my North Star. Or at least I have lost my understood and tested connection to my north star. And now I need to rediscover and redefine that and it is scary as hell.
If you scroll back to my first post it seems like I have not gotten very far. At times I also feel pretty self-absorbed. Both of these realities are frustrating to me - the lack of forward progress (remember, I am always in a hurry to get somewhere - and I like to be early) and the internal focus (every darn leadership & personality assessment I have ever taken has confirmed that I am externally, people focused - on the DISC I am super dominant “I” and nearly as strong “D”). I still remember asking one of my much-admired, very put together Chicago-area colleagues last winter if she thought she was a different person after many years of marriage. Her honest and reflective “no” was unsettling. Why did I feel like I had been a better version of myself married to Chuck? With the north star epiphany and the attendant realization that I am still struggling to figure out how I navigate (see what I did there) without his strong and steady presence I am starting to realize that maybe I was not a different person while I was married to him but that I need to emerge in different ways as my own person without him.
Shortly after the north star realization, I got an email from Father Bernie - again, a star of the first “who am I” post. As I have said often, I am blessed in many ways - not the least of which is with the friendship and pastoral care of good priests. He shared some encouragement and thoughts that I will keep private but also a prayer he wrote for his parishioners who are going through loss - with church closings and mass times being reduced. He used to write Friday reflections when he was the Principal at Rice and I often shared those with friends as they were so profound and helpful to those of us raising teenagers. His prayer is equally powerful for those experiencing loss and further advanced my journey toward taking the time to re-establish my North Star. Here is a condensed excerpt:
“We …. find ourselves in the midst of a transition we never sought nor planned. …We ask one question. Why? …. We’re left with incomplete answers. …. Trust in you, that’s what will get us through. Abraham trusted in you as you called him across the desert. Moses agreed to lead the Israelites out of slavery. …. Many others left homes, families, work and lives to follow you throughout the centuries. What does that leave me with? I need to trust you … you know …. even if I don’t. No one earthly person has all the answers …. But you know, O Lord. Because I know you have a plan, I will walk with you. …. And that gives my heart peace. Amen.”
I’ve left a lot out - and still some of this might be too religious for some. However, I think we can all relate to people - either those we know or admire - who have made courageous choices to forge ahead into the unknown when other more timid souls make a safer choice. This prayer solidified for me that what I got from Chuck’s role as my north star, was confidence to be bold and make decisions that embraced failure as a possibility. Because, I knew that even if I failed all would never be lost. On the flip side, sometimes my confidence and personality can get the better of me. With love and firmness Chuck could pull me back on course. I have also written previously that Deacon Greg claims there are no coincidences. So, as I grapple with the need to re-establish my connection to my North Star, I found it breathtaking that Father Bernie sent me this prayer that articulates where to find confidence (trust) and how to stay calm (give my heart peace) exactly when I was realizing that is what I was missing.
I had already realized in the last weeks that my tank was running low and I needed a break. Don’t worry - the crazy chicken lady is not running off to join a convent! But just as our education leaders and my spiritual leaders counsel, I need to take a step back to firm up my north star for this next phase of my journey. And I have already discovered that my work on the farm, my faith journey & the writing here are important pieces to getting that north star to shine bright.
❤️❤️❤️🙏 thank you. I am going through different losses and these are a life raft.