Spoiler alert: I don’t have the answers to this one yet. Of the zillion things I loved about Chuck near or even at the top of that list was how he embraced my family and our traditions. If you were at his funeral you heard me read a letter he wrote (under feigned duress) to Elizabeth on the day of her baptism. It was placed in a time capsule (great baby shower gift!) to be opened at a later date. He noted that he was writing in the midst of a big family gathering and that she would grow up knowing many of those because her mom’s family loved parties. True.
The holidays were the epicenter of these gatherings. As the oldest sibling somehow my dad became the convener of his family for the holidays. Every Thanksgiving & Christmas featured an “Open House” on Thanksgiving and Christmas night. At some point - ten years ago? Fifteen? The party moved to our farm but the vibe remained the same.
The only year this party was cancelled was famously 1996. My dad was really, really, really pissed that I lost the Congressional race. He had not gotten over it by Thanksgiving (maybe he never did - his being a sore loser is also family lore) and in a fit of pique he sent a message to all his siblings informing them NOT to come over - there would be no party!!! Well, he didn’t tell my mom or any of us kids until the day before Thanksgiving. Teasing & good natured ribbing are also a Swift family tradition that Chuck learned to abide and boy did my Dad get a lot of that. We laughed for weeks (I am chuckling now thinking about it) about his temper tantrum. He was probably still mad at Christmas but didn’t dare cancel the party!
Chuck had a certain approach to my parties. Usually he was late coming in to the house from whatever project he was working on & dawdled over his shower & getting ready to delay his arrival as long as possible. But he was always present & pitching in for the family holiday gaggles. I believe he came to love them as much or more than me.
Food is another big tradition in our family. Much to Chuck’s vegetarian & fussy palate horror (shared by nearly every other in-law to join our clan) we stuff our turkey with the Plymouth Swift’s oyster dressing. And we make that stuffing at my mom’s the night before. His faces as I alternately fed raw oysters and milk crackers through the grinder was epic. But, he was right there helping … always. Surely my mom’s pinwheels from the scraps of the pie crusts we were also baking cemented his participation. No one loved a good bakery item like Chuck
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At Christmas we honor my mom’s heritage. Lucky for Chuck one of the two staples is a bakery item! Crispatelli - basically a thin fried dough cookie with powdered sugar - is made a week before and shared as a gift with a special few. How many pictures do we have of generations of us cooking those? The main dish - ravioli from scratch - was another no-go for my vegetarian dairy farmer (and my celiac condition). But as the only (until Johanna’s move back home this year) child living near home, we were the ravioli crew. Grinding the pork for the meatballs was only slightly less distasteful than the Thanksgiving oysters!
Chuck was also a non-drinker. That was not how our holidays played out and even though he was a teetotaler due to a family history of alcoholism he hosted these rollicking events with joy. How many times did we laugh about a former girlfriend’s (of one of my siblings!) over indulgence in a mulled red wine that my dad “discovered” on a work trip to Germany?
This week while spending time with Lauren and her boyfriend she also shared with him fond memories of a less intentional tradition: the Christmas Eve dash through the mall for Chuck to finish (and start) his shopping. He loved spoiling the girls and years that we were able to do a little more for them unleashed his certainty that they would love motorized toys as much as he did. I will never forget his insistence that we put the go-cart in the great room under the tree (assembled). It had a big antenna thing with an orange flag. As the girls spilled out of their bedrooms to see what Santa had brought that orange flag drew their immediate attention. I don’t remember which girl uttered the best Christmas morning line ever: “Look what Santa brought Dad!”
Last year’s holidays are a blur. Normally, Lauren would not be home for Thanksgiving due to her coveted role with the football staff. But given how things were going we knew she needed to be home & I am forever grateful that her coaches & supervisors understood that, too. Chuck spoke to them candidly about what was ahead and it was probably the bravest “speech” I have ever or will ever hear. With his death on 12/21 Christmas was a blur. I can’t even tell you if we did the family party. We definitely did on Thanksgiving and Chuck loved seeing everyone.
We are forging ahead this year as Chuck wanted us to - we will stuff the turkey with oyster dressing & the family parties at the farm are a go. Lauren is staying in Evanston & Elizabeth will be with her & scored Pats tickets in Minneapolis for the game. Sarah & I will hold down the fort at home. I reserved morning mass on the 21st of December ages ago and given the disappointing year NU football has had there won’t be a bowl game to disrupt Christmas. After a lot of thought, we are sticking with our traditions.
I got some shopping done this week & Santa will be coming down the chimney. (Spoiler: no go-cart). I’ve thought a lot about why anyone reads these. Some of you are my friends & wonder how I am doing & I definitely have an easier time writing than speaking my feelings. Other fellow travelers may be looking to see if what they are feeling is shared. But some may be looking for insight to help those who are grieving during the holidays (or at any time). A few thoughts there:
Even if someone you know or love lost someone a year or more ago, just sending a text or note acknowledging that the holidays might be hard or different will mean a lot.
Sharing a story or picture you might have of the deceased is always appreciated. As I’ve done above, the holidays are a lot about nostalgia and one thing that is hard is not having the person with whom you’ve shared so many of those memories.
Ask the grieved if there is a task that might be harder without their loved one that you could either do for them or with them - pick up the Christmas tree? Mail packages? If you follow me on other media you know I have had an insane week. Even with nearly grown children, being the sole emotional, financial, logistical and physical support for our family can be a lot but at the holidays it can be overwhelming.
Happy holidays all. Cherish these days.
Thinking of you and your children during the holidays. I know that the holidays are difficult as things are not the the same , your family traditions sound wonderful and you have a wonderful supportive family
🙏🙏🙏
Judyb
Thinking of you all and thanks for all you do