Many of you have generously responded to the substack prompts to “pledge” a paid subscription to this blog. It is humbling and flattering. As a former pol I know to “never say never” but I am highly unlikely to pursue that option.
Why? I don’t want to feel the pressure to churn out content to justify your investment. Those who know me won’t be surprised that despite my confidence in business and some other leadership venues I carry more than a little bit of Catholic guilt and it is a constant battle to tame that beast. Even my grief journey has been influenced by my default emotion of guilt.
This blog has been a way for me to work through my most complicated emotions. It is a balm. If you are moved to support our family’s healing journey, I posted the “Giving Tuesday” instagram post Lauren put up today. We’d welcome your donation for our work.
The farm is the most complicated piece of my grief journey and the girls’ as well. Generational change on small family farms is a well known issue. Ironically, one Chuck and I tried to solve together, one that we discussed frequently and the policy issue that led us to meet. Yet, like so many parts of this journey, it is so much more complicated as I live it.
I have definitely made mistakes trying to manage and sustain the farm as a working agricultural entity and those failures feel magnified. (Did I mention the toxic stew of guilt & grief?) I have also continued to be consoled by the serenity and peace I feel there. But it is also the place where I have the hardest time sleeping. I also find it hard not to be in a constant state of “must do” and lists - creating long days and stress for myself and I know for the awesome folks who help me keep it running in my absence. I think of the many conversations I would have with Chuck where I would be looking out at the farm and seeing all the beauty and glory. And Chuck would see weeds growing in the fence line, pot holes in the driveway threatening his drainage system and on and on! I couldn’t understand how he was incapable of seeing all that had been accomplished instead of all that there was still to be done! And now, that’s me!
I guess I am finally a real farmer.