Stuck

Re-learning how to overcome fear (and to walk, or dance, on land)

If all the emotional discoveries on this grief journey weren’t so painful it would be a really fascinating experience. One particularly interesting aspect has been struggling to figure out an emotion or phase that is well known in grief circles but had eluded my understanding. Ultimately, after a struggle to name my feelings or identify my emotions I realize that it is actually something that is one of those oft-referenced concepts. The closest analogy I can come up with is when you have been traveling and you wake up in the middle of the night and for some period of time you have no idea where you are, only to slowly come to the realization you are in your own bed at your own house.

I had this happen again on my grief journey as I’ve worked through this new “reality” or “acceptance” phase. I realized that one problem I had was that I was stuck. When I had been warned and advised about this stage or emotion before I not only didn’t really grasp it I also rejected it. Who would want to stay in any of these painful emotional places?

I think part of the reason it took me a bit to figure out I was stuck was because my misunderstanding of it made me resent the concept. I saw it as a choice. I also saw it as a failure. And, intended or not, some of the most painful feedback I have gotten from friends and family has sounded to my ears like, “Are you still moping around?” So realizing that the place I am struggling to move forward from and that, yes, I am stuck in, isn’t a choice or comfortable or a weakness or excuse to avoid the hard work was important to my ability to name it. But knowing that I was stuck was only the beginning. I have had to then figure out why I am stuck and how to get unstuck.

It turns out I am feeling the same emotion that paralyzes a lot of us at many different times: fear. As has become pretty clear, I was really happy and comfortable as Chuck’s wife. It also gave me the solid footing to do everything else in my life that looked brave. And, I have adjusted into being Chuck’s widow. Except it doesn’t give me the same confidence in the rest of my life. Yet, whatever comes next is completely unknown and that is even scarier.

The only way I have been able to think about figuring out how to get my bearings and to move forward is by defining each next step with intention and some symbolism. First, I took my engagement, wedding and anniversary rings off. This was symbolic and the intention is to remind myself that I can define this next chapter on my terms without relying on a title or role. And also because Chuck will always be present in the most important place - my heart.

I also decided (intentionality) that I needed to acknowledge that some of the choices that were perfect for Chuck & Jane as a couple were not choices I would make for Jane’s life without Chuck’s partnership. And it isn’t betrayal to admit that. It simply is reality. I loved living on a farm and raising our girls there. I would probably have lived closer to a major airport to make my work easier if I was not married to a farmer. I love to travel and meet new people. That was not Chuck’s jam.

So an intentional step I am taking is to spend more time on recreational travel. I am taking a solo trip, but as part of a tour which caters to single travelers. Iceland & the Northern Lights - here I come. I have also decided to spend more time near friends & family in Boston and thanks to the wonderful support system I’ve built on the farm, that is possible. And I am intentionally seeking out more work opportunities with teamwork and collaboration- I need that!

What is that song - “I don’t know where I’m going but I do know where I’ve been?” I guess that is me. I do know I need to keep moving forward.

Lastly, intentionality for me always engages my faith. Travel has had me be-bopping to various churches (a guilty pleasure is to attend mass in a new locale!) and even catching mass online. But sitting in the pew, next to my mom at 10:30 Mass at Saint Raphael’s where the girls were altar servers and that is our family “church home” is a special gift. Fellow Catholics will know this weekend’s Gospel was Matthew 14:22-33: the famous verses where Jesus beckons to Paul to “come” and walk on water with him. And Paul does, until he realizes what he is doing! And anxiety and doubt creep in and he begins to … sink.

Father John’s sermon definitely spoke to me. He pulled from a sermon he had heard from Father Cyr (another favorite) and talked about the challenges we often face simply trying to walk on land! Especially paths that are unfamiliar and not of our choosing. Boom.

How do we conquer fear of the unknown? How do we prevent it from paralysis? How do we simply keep “walking on land?” One step at a time. Surrounded and propelled by love. And with a whole bunch of grace. This summer, I am deeply indebted to those who have walked with me - figuratively and literally - and to those who have given grace.

I delivered Sarah to Cleveland this week. In time to enjoy part of Cleveland’s Little Italy Feast of the Assumption. I walked on land. I may even have thrown in a few discreet dance steps.